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I was so heart broken when I had to leave my Enlgish class today. The thought of me never sitting in taht classroom and hanging on her every word made me want to just break down all day today. When I walked in there in the morning to turn my books in she gave me a big hug and she said "I'm going to miss you, I'm so sorry." I haven't been this hurt my anything in a long time. I know to everyone else it seems like nothing, but to me it's everything. I deserve to be in those classes because I am capable of being in those classes. It's not fair. I don't care if "life's not fair." No one understand how much this meant to me, not even my mom. When I talked to my English teacher she told me that her daughter didn't pass when she took the test from the school either, but my teacher, as a mother, tok it upon herself to get a personal psychologist to test her daughter and her daughter passed. I want to pass the test. I want to take it again, even if it's not the same one. I want this so bad but it will cost 400 dollars and my mom doesn't want to let me do it. She keeps saying "AMY, EVERYTHING WILL NOT ALWAYS GO YOUR WAY. It's not about going my way. It's not about that at all. I want this so bad. It's not 400 dollars going towards a convertable or a stereo that's going to wear out it's welcome in two months. It's my education. God I want this so bad. I have to get in. I will do whatever I have to to get into those classes. And what kills me is that not a soul understands how much this means to me. God. I feel like I'm just going to stop breathing. I can't stop crying about it and everyone in my family thinks I'm this overreacting self-absorbed bitch. This means so much though, so so much to me. I feel so terribly heart broken. And they switched my ENTIRE schedule around, so now I know no one in my classes and I have to start from scratch. I asked the councelor that if I were to take it from a personal psychologist and pass if I could get my scheduel the way I had it before and she said yes. I want to be in these classes. Anyone that has actually known me, not my blurty friends or online friends or whatever, anyone that has actually gone to school with me, been in my classes, gotten to know me knows that I'm not stupid, and that I'm capable of being in gifted. I was in it in second fucking grade and I refuse to stop until I get in again. It's so important to me. My education has always been important to me, even if I don't show it. In elementary school I always wanted to be the best, the smartest, I was in "FOCUS" and OM and all that shit. I always wanted to do so good. But as I got older my priorities have sorted become foggy and now that I had a chance to prove myself and failed I've really woken up. I just want to take it again. I want to get this. I have to get this. My mom told me I had to talk to my dad about it, so I called him and he said we'd talk when he gets home. He's always told me he'd do anything for me. I am literally going to beg him to get me a psych so I can take a different test. I just can't stop crying. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? God. My algebra teacher wanted me to get it too. She wanted me too so bad. We always talked about it. If I had any questions about it I could always talk to her. And they gave all of my teachers one of these charts to "rate" me on education-wise, and when I got to the classroom, since I had been absent the past two days, she was like "AMY! YOU'RE FINALLY BACK!" and she told me about the chart and all that, and she was like "Oh I wish you had gotten in, I really do. I rated you so good on the chart, too." And Math is my worst subject, so that's got to be saying something.
I just want to be in. I can't stand the thought that Mrs. Yuzenas won't be teaching me. Especially the way she hugged me. It made me feel so important. I literally feel like I'm dieing.
*sigh*
I stole this from Megan because she made it look so hawt:
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